Have you ever wondered how other people's life might be? How it is possible for them to cope with their problems and lead such amazing lives full of joy and happiness? Or maybe you feel that no one really knows you? William Shakespeare once wrote:
All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts,
He was right. With this new modern world, which is still so unknown and exotic to us, we still are actors in it. We all have our roles to play out. What is the most disturbing for me, is that we lose ourselves in this theater of life. Every single time we close the door of our homes behind us we instantly put on masks that are supposed to hide everything that makes us who we really are. We are the ones who establish the way people see us. And sadly after some time of taking a role of a perfect someone, we start to not recognize ourselves in the mirror.
I bet many of you had this feeling that their passions, dreams, and ideas have vanished into thin air, that you do not recognize yourselves anymore. Well, my friends, I am in that state right now for the second time.
I bet many of you had this feeling that their passions, dreams, and ideas have vanished into thin air, that you do not recognize yourselves anymore. Well, my friends, I am in that state right now for the second time.
Ever since I was 10 I dreamed of being an English teacher. I knew where I was heading with my life. I had a great loving boyfriend, I finished high school with good grades, got to the college I wanted. What could possibly go wrong with that, right?
What I did not tell you, was that I loved two guys at the same time. You know that story? Most of you probably went through similar situation, too. Unfortunately, in my case, I truly believed that I need to see my ex whom I thought I loved more, and this is how I destroyed something that haunts me till this very day. I cheated on a man I love and I will never forgive myself for what I've done to him.
Soon after that I wanted to move in to a dorm. There was a national holiday in Poland, which was in the middle of the week- a perfect time to move in, and get to know the city when I'm in there. I asked my brother, who always claimed that he would help me every time I needed him, to help me move in. You know what I heard from him? "Radź sobie sama", which in loose translation means: fend for yourself. The only person I counted on told me I should do it on my own, not knowing the city I was moving into, without any driving license, with three huge and heavy bags full of sheets, clothes, pots, and dishes. All of that, because his wife arranged a meeting, 20 minutes before my call, with their friends, they were supposed to watch a movie on DVD. A meeting that could be postponed to any other day. She asked me if I could not sleep without any bedclothes for three days. I got mad and said that whenever they needed me to look after their daughter, I was there for them. I quit classes, some exams, cancelled all my meetings with friends, just to help them and to see my niece. I wanted them to feel bad, and to show them they could count on me, because I genuinely loved them. And the conversation ended. As well as time I was given to spend with my goddaughter. Ever since that situation I was never asked again to babysit, even when they needed it badly, she preferred to call a friend rather than me.
Those two things that happened to me in a short amount of time, destroyed me. Two people I loved most, my boyfriend and niece, where no longer there at the reach of my hand. There is this funny saying in Poland: "Polak mądry po szkodzie". It means that Poles are always smart after a loss. Sad but true. After losing those people, including my brother, I realized how much I loved them, and how much I need them in my life.
Everything that counted, the college, becoming a teacher, was of no importance to me anymore. I struggled everyday to attend classes, to wake up and do anything. Soon, I caught up in one-night-stands with total strangers. I do not remember most of the nights from my first year of studies. It seemed so fun, and so cool, not to bother with live. But every morning I woke up hangover or still drunk, I felt terrible. I was loosing myself. I did not know what to do. Funny thing is, that everybody at the college, and all my friends never saw me shed a tear. I was all smiley to them, laughed at everything and told funny jokes. The truth was, every time I got back to the dorm, I laid on bed and wept to the pillow like a small child. All the time I was making myself to study, to continue this, just for my parents who paid for all of that. If it weren't for them I would not graduate.
During those three years I met many interesting people, made some friends, and got back to the old ones. Now I have three closest friends, who make my day and to whom I can count on. They are there for me, when I have a problem, and tell me everything they think I do wrong.
Unfortunately, I was playing the happy me for everyone for too long, and I am lost again. I have no passion, no love, no job, and not even a clue who I really am. My friends are trying to help me as much as they can in that matter, but this is the part I must figure out on my own.
If you are interested in reading more about my struggles with myself, wait for another post. If not, well, I figure you won't come back here for more.
Over.
Soon after that I wanted to move in to a dorm. There was a national holiday in Poland, which was in the middle of the week- a perfect time to move in, and get to know the city when I'm in there. I asked my brother, who always claimed that he would help me every time I needed him, to help me move in. You know what I heard from him? "Radź sobie sama", which in loose translation means: fend for yourself. The only person I counted on told me I should do it on my own, not knowing the city I was moving into, without any driving license, with three huge and heavy bags full of sheets, clothes, pots, and dishes. All of that, because his wife arranged a meeting, 20 minutes before my call, with their friends, they were supposed to watch a movie on DVD. A meeting that could be postponed to any other day. She asked me if I could not sleep without any bedclothes for three days. I got mad and said that whenever they needed me to look after their daughter, I was there for them. I quit classes, some exams, cancelled all my meetings with friends, just to help them and to see my niece. I wanted them to feel bad, and to show them they could count on me, because I genuinely loved them. And the conversation ended. As well as time I was given to spend with my goddaughter. Ever since that situation I was never asked again to babysit, even when they needed it badly, she preferred to call a friend rather than me.
Those two things that happened to me in a short amount of time, destroyed me. Two people I loved most, my boyfriend and niece, where no longer there at the reach of my hand. There is this funny saying in Poland: "Polak mądry po szkodzie". It means that Poles are always smart after a loss. Sad but true. After losing those people, including my brother, I realized how much I loved them, and how much I need them in my life.
Everything that counted, the college, becoming a teacher, was of no importance to me anymore. I struggled everyday to attend classes, to wake up and do anything. Soon, I caught up in one-night-stands with total strangers. I do not remember most of the nights from my first year of studies. It seemed so fun, and so cool, not to bother with live. But every morning I woke up hangover or still drunk, I felt terrible. I was loosing myself. I did not know what to do. Funny thing is, that everybody at the college, and all my friends never saw me shed a tear. I was all smiley to them, laughed at everything and told funny jokes. The truth was, every time I got back to the dorm, I laid on bed and wept to the pillow like a small child. All the time I was making myself to study, to continue this, just for my parents who paid for all of that. If it weren't for them I would not graduate.
During those three years I met many interesting people, made some friends, and got back to the old ones. Now I have three closest friends, who make my day and to whom I can count on. They are there for me, when I have a problem, and tell me everything they think I do wrong.
Unfortunately, I was playing the happy me for everyone for too long, and I am lost again. I have no passion, no love, no job, and not even a clue who I really am. My friends are trying to help me as much as they can in that matter, but this is the part I must figure out on my own.
If you are interested in reading more about my struggles with myself, wait for another post. If not, well, I figure you won't come back here for more.
Over.
Marta, your contents are really good but I think it will be better if you add one line space before starting every new paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'll try to fix that.:)
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